from the staff mailing list at a place I used to work

From joshua@brylcreem.FTP.COM Thu Feb  3 14:28:55 1994
Date: Thu, 03 Feb 1994 14:25:26 -0500
To: eco@ftp.com
From: joshua@brylcreem.FTP.COM (Joshua M. Block)
Subject: Missing Lunch

To everyone who didn't eat my sub-sandwich,

Please press 'd' now and read the rest of your mail.  You wouldn't want to 
read the following message and learn of the evils that exist at FTP 
Software.  Really, please press 'd' now.  I *told* you not to keep reading.  
I'm *warning* you this is very graphic and contains violent subject matter.  
Adults are being urged to keep their children away from their monitor.  This 
is your final warning!  Please, If you didn't eat my lunch, press 'd' 
NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joshua :)


To the @)&^#@$%!(s) who ate my sub-sandwich,

I know that when you removed my sub-sandwich from the front-line sales 
fridge clearly labeled "JOSHUA" in *big* *black* *letters* you were not in 
your normal state of existance.  Clearly you were in some hypnotic, 
delerious state that altered your ability to comprehend the english language 
as it is written and miraculously changed the writing on the bag to appear 
as if to read "PLEASE EAT ME!" (Funny, that thought ran across my mind this 
afternoon, Hmmmmm...maybe your psychic too.)

Anyway, I just wanted to send you this note to remind you that the sandwich 
you *stole* belonged to me and I would gladly disregard your obvious mental 
condition in exchange for compensation.  I paid $4.00 including tip for that 
delicious salami sub-sandwich with all the trimmings I might add, and all 
that I'm asking for is that you either give it to me directly and forget all 
the nice things I've sald about you, or leave it where I will find it.

I'm sure there is good reason why you *stole* it and I'm sure that if you 
were to tell me the story it would be a very moving tale at that.  But, 
needless to say this is not the attitude we are trying to promote at FTP and 
to show you that I'm *truely* concerned about you and your well being, I 
took it upon myself to check with Charlotte Evans to make sure that our new 
Employee Assistance Program covers such a selfish, thoughtless, obnoxious, 
"could get out of control" problem that you seem to be suffering from.

You will be happy to know that it DOES! cover such "unwell visits" and the 
best thing about it is that it won't cost you anything saving you hundreds 
of dollars in medical bills making the $4.00 you *owe* me seem trivial.  
Just think then, when you wake up everyday after your treatments, you'll be 
able to face yourself in the mirrorand say:

                                 I AM NOT A CRIMINAL!

I'm sure paying me back the money will also help to remove the guilt that 
you are feeling right now and will continue to feel until you get help, or 
pay me back which ever you choose.

P.S. Not to bring up old news, but I'm sure there are those of us in front 
line and other departments who remember what happened to the last person who 
stole a lunch from a salesperson.  And if you can't please note that you 
will not find their name on the phone list any more. (Hmmmm....I wonder why?)

P.P.S. Cath, Maybe I'll be having a candlelite dinner tonight too?

Joshua :(